The three R’s

These three steps come from Bruce Perry, a neuroscientist working in the field of trauma, and are offered as a guide for how adults can best support vulnerable children to learn, think and reflect. But I see absolutely no reason why these steps should be saved for children only.

We all have bodies with incredibly complicated systems for connecting us and protecting us in the world. If we have felt threatened a lot, our nervous system might have become more sensitive than others’ and for good reason. But essentially these steps offer a great guide for how any of us might best cope when we have big feelings: be that stress, nerves, fear, sadness, overwhelm, anger, to name a few on an enormous spectrum.

I think it’s a worthwhile reminder because culturally, many of us are taught to challenge our thinking and apply logic when we are feeling activated.

This is a lot to ask.

Because actually that doesn’t really match what we know about the way our systems are wired to protect and defend when we’re faced with a threat. When our stress response has been activated, we actually lose much of our capacity to reason/ think/ apply logic, because priority is given to sending energy to the parts of our body involved in the fight/ flight/ freeze response: blood flow, muscles, heart rate etc.

So through this lens, the first and critical step when we’re feeling overwhelmed (as long as we ARE safe) is to send a message to the body that we’re safe:

1. REGULATE: breathe, ground, sooth, get present, move, shake. This list is long and very individual.

Once REGULATED, we benefit even further from RELATING. This could be a physical connection with someone safe, or maybe a more creative way to achieve attunement to others via looking at pics, stroking a pet or remembering a loving other.

Finally once our system is safe and calm, we have much more capacity to REASON and use our incredible brains to their best to problem solve, consider alternatives, solutions and resolve a situation effectively.

Do you think these 3 steps can help you or those you love to cope with and work through time of distress?